Carefully, Thoughtlessly.

I wrote us a poem.  Let’s call it a draft so I feel less judged.  I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my girl Kyrie and her family.  Families are so deeply comforting in their normalcy, and so deeply special in their love.  I saw an old friend, Paloma, over the weekend, and she’s thriving.  Thriving in the way that inspires and generates change.  I danced to terrible music at the Drinkery with Ash and Morgan.  We’re all alright.

Broke as Hell Grocery List

-Spinach.
Spinach is healthful and relatively inexpensive.  You know yourself, and you’ll use it quickly.  You never used to eat it quickly.  That was when you lived with her. 

-Apples.
They’re anti-inflammatory and remind you of three things: the Farmer’s Market, the sense memory exercise in Susan’s class, and your Grandmother’s backyard apple tree.  Too small to eat, perfect to climb.  You are nothing but memories these days.  What else is nonperishable?

-Berries.
They are sweet and good for munching. 

-Eggs.
You are mildly allergic to them, but protein is important.  Cheap protein is more important.  Make a frittata like that woman you so admired at the pie shop recommended.  She had fantastic tattoos and an excellent sense of justice. 

-Almond milk.
But only occasionally.

-Coffee.

-Oatmeal.
This fills you up.  You used to complain to your mother you didn’t like it.  You’ve grown to understand preference is not as important as calories to get you through a work day. 

A Small Bag of Cheez-Its at the Check Out.
You deserve a small treat.  They remind you of the first time you slept with him.  They also taste really good.  Junk food is okay.  

-Beans and Rice.
This reminds you of growing up. Your dad notoriously made a beans and rice dish, a little too spicy for you.  You remember Jaryd loving it.  You’d have to ask Ryan and Mika.  Grew up broke and didn’t know it.  Your parents did such a good job. Beans and rice are a complete protein. Your parents did such a good job. 

Shampoo and Conditioner.
You dyed your hair and had it cut at an unreasonable price last week because you were emotional and wanted to feel like you had control over your life.  You don’t regret this, but now you must maintain it.  You must maintain your choices.  You must choose. 

Red Onion.
Flavor is important. 

When you get to the self check-out, you will spend more money than you mean to.  You always do.  Your cheeks will burn with shame, and you remember your mother telling you there is no shame in rebuilding.  Hell, there is no shame in building.  On stable ground, with good materials, carefully and with thought.  You are new, for the first time.  You don’t even have salt and pepper yet, and you haven’t set foot into your coveted apartment.  But you have Cholula in your backpack because you are a woman with priorities.  Let your cheeks burn.  You know who you are.  You are building.  This is new, each time the first.  Have these memories and make some damn food.  No one ever recovered by starving.

I love you.  I miss you.  I hope to see you soon.

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