The Cover Letter I Cannot Send as It Is Not Appropriate

To Whom It May Concern:

Is it whom? I’m fairly certain it is. You see, I graduated with an English Major in Literature and Cultural Studies (the specificity sounds good in conversations such as these, like I have focus and direction in my life. Like I know how to research. Like I’m proficient in cultural theory as well as bullshitting. Bullshitting is a highly marketable talent. As I’m sure you know. Which isn’t to say you aren’t qualified! Oh goodness. This got away from me. Please leave the parenthetical now. Right now. C’mon.). Anyway. Prior to that degree, I spent two and half years pursuing an acting degree. Crazy, right?! I was young! I’m not from here! It was all bright lights and the Queen City, you see. But even during the old acting degree, professors have told me so often that my voice is strong enough so as to not need to learn “too much of that technical stuff”. Leaving me at a seeming deficit when it comes to the old Who vs. Whom debate. Rather than a deficit, I chose to see it as a chance to learn and grow—learning and growth that demonstrate to you my adaptability and self-motivation. Skills crucial to your job description, might I add. Oh, yeah, I read it. And about that who vs. whom. I could Google it. But I’m writing to you about employment right now and don’t need the distractions (see there? That focus we discussed being put to good use).

The employment! Yes! About that! To you, dear Whom (Unless you prefer Who. As a queer person, I’m very well-versed in proper interpersonal respect. I also fulfill your desire to cultivate a diverse working community. I also see we’re in the parenthetical again. Dammit.), I’m writing you to say hire me. Please.

I’m excellent at smiling. All my life men have told me so (this is my subtle way of telling you I’m a woman. I can provide top notch emotional labor for your department in addition to costing you much less than my male peers. I’m a win-win and we aren’t even to the good stuff!). I’m also a morning person, so I can provide you with that smile from the top of the day until the end. I’m human, so I do hit a mid-afternoon slump but you’ll probably never hear about it because I’m good at keeping to myself as well. Middle child, you know.

I’m a “creative-type”. Anything you need proofread, brainstormed, troubleshot, or looked at, I’m your girl. As a Millennial, I’m super great with social media and being relevant. My jokes are highly culturally informed, but I’m also well-read and Southern. I mention this because the well-read means I’ll probably get most of your dated references. The Southern means that, while a Millennial and a creative, I was raised to believe in the Bootstrap Narrative. This I no longer adhere to ideologically as I learned about intersectional feminism and social hierarchies, but it does mean I work really really hard.

My long term career goals include being a writer and an actor, so you know I’m yours for life because those are pipe dreams, amirite?! For God’s sake, I’m in Cincinnati, Ohio! Goodness me! This is to your benefit: my self-esteem is terribly low considering all the rejection and minimal opportunities I receive! I might go and get a Master’s, but that will be far in the future and I’ll probably have kids before then so let’s you and I bet that I’ll be tied here and get it remotely and keep plodding away at your institution.

All of this is to say, hire me. I’d really like this job. I’m tired of not having matching bras and panties. I’m tired of wondering if I can feed myself AND pay my cellphone bill. I’d like to work for you because I’d like to get out of debt AND move in with my boyfriend. I’d like to buy my friends a round and not break out in cold sweats the next morning when looking at my bank account. Hire me. I’m effusive, enthusiastic, effervescent, and excellent with alliterations.

My mom gives me a strong recommendation, as does the coffee shop I worked at in Brooklyn when I couchsurfed there for three months (ask me about it! It makes me sound terribly interesting!).

Anyway, that’s it. I’ll be good for you. You don’t even really have to be good for me. We can talk salary at my interview, and I’ll settle for less because my generation is financially illiterate.

Also, I did enjoy your website format. I really mean that. You do seem hip and cool so I won’t have to be too embarrassed at selling out the next time my friends and I grab drinks. And I’ll be salaried, so my dad can finally be proud.

Contact me over email, phone, twitter, facebook, instagram, snapchat, or groupme. They’re all on the same device anyway.

So. Lemme know. I have other plates spinning but they’re, like, picking my nose and stressing out about bills in my underwear. Pretty easy to reschedule.

Thanks so much!

Mia Vera, really funny Millennial*

*if you’d like writing samples, might I recommend my blog or my Twitter. I mean. They’re good.

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